I'm so fucking centered right now
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
