You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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