evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
