I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
