oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
