if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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