Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
