I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
