You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
