ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
