I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
