Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
