I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
