Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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