I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
