elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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