I want to make a zoo with you.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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