id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
