I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
