The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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