I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
