The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
