boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Mom said you looked used
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
