Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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