When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
