I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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