You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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