I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
