im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
