it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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