Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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