dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
