My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
