i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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