Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
