so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
