How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
