I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
