why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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