when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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