no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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