those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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