dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
