Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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