My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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