I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
