Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
