Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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