if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
