he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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